Monday, April 29, 2013

Penis Envy

Wake up! There's no better way to greet a Monday morning than with coffee in hand and a little penis talk (Not "little" penis talk...but a little talking about penis. I just felt as if I should clarify before anyone made any rash judgments about the 7 dudes living in my kingdom! Are we good? Ok...carry on.) I think I should be able to be classified as a professional in this area by now. In this house, penis is what makes the world go 'round. I'm surrounded by them morning, noon, and night. It's nary a moment when I get to bask in a penis break...a pause...a minuscule moment when it is not the center of attention.

The male species has an intriguing fascination with their manhood. Even today after 14 1/2 years of being a dude mom and shacking up with the original dude's dad, I'm amazed at how important the penis actually them! I could honestly (most of the time...a woman's gotta get hers too, ya know!) care less. I'd postulate that at almost any given moment I am NOT thinking about or touching a penis. The boys in this 'hood can't claim any such statement. And I dare say, that all males are created equal. And by equal I of course mean...obsessed with the penis!

It would be quite the sight if I adjusted my yanna benini as much as a male counterpart. I'm pretty sure my lady posse would unfriend me quicker than you can say, "she must have cooter cooties!". It's simply not acceptable for the female variety to check, adjust, manipulate or otherwise "fondle" one's self in the same way that the human male does. I'm not even sure I want to throw a double standard card because I have zero desire to check my lady parts. However, I will grant one side bar...sometimes lady parts do require "attention" due to some unfortunate issues that I can only guess are similar to jock itch. Regardless of the discomfort, though, a lady does not address such issues in public. We simple squeeze some things or adjust our stance hoping that "the seven year itch" will resolve on its own.

With all of that said, I would like to humbly admit that I often suffer from penis envy. Shameful indeed, but let me first make my argument before my lady peers "castrate" me. I can already hear the angry crowd chanting, "Boys have a penis! Girls have a vagina!", but please hear me out. I will open my argument with the "Getting Ready for the Day" scenario. The males in my home have very little requirements to greeting the day without odor, clothed and with a smile. I would like to lead with the "shit, shower, and shave" principle...that's all they have to do! If we are going somewhere "fancy" they simply swap t-shirt for collared shirt, adorn the same jeans and sneakers and head out the door to cram themselves into our (what can only be referred to as) clown car and wait for mama bear to make an entrance.

As any other female is already aware, our process of getting ready to leave the house (let's assume we have a goal of looking and smelling bathed and wearing something other than yoga pants.) is a much longer process. Showering isn't simply showering. It requires multi-step hair care, exfoliating, shaving and skin care regime. At this point I'm not even almost complete. Next is lotioning and perfuming and more skin care steps and of course the hair is going to require some attention. I'm only lotioned and smelling good at this juncture and most assuredly still naked! The attire hunt is profoundly more challenging as everything is taken into consideration...sitting or standing; will I be bending to pick up kids or kneeling on the ground; do I get to stand and just be arm candy; will their be a rogue child chase; are we going to be inside or outside; what's the wind/rain expectancy; am I bloated today; do I feel like sucking anything in for extended periods of time. The list goes on and on from top, bottoms, accessories, shoes. I'm exhausted before we leave the house...all the while my crew of 7 dudes are calmly waiting for me to finally exit the work room. And when finally I do make my grand entrance, if none of my dude posse comment on how fabulous I look my entire selection from top to bottom must be reevaluated. For the love of penis! I just want to be able to shit, shower, shave and show up!!

Honestly, I don't even think I have the energy to expound upon my second or third points which were "Getting ready to go to bed" and "Hoochifying oneself for sex". I think you all see where I am heading with my argument.

So ladies of the jury...what say you? To penis or not to penis?

1 comment:

Patty said...

To Penis, say I.

The ability to pee against a tree, or a wall. Hell, just to whip it out anywhere and take a long, satisfying leak.

The ability to stand in some men's room, at a urinal, while checking out the fire hoses on other guys; tucking mine away with a grunt because, of course, it's just so huge!

The ability to constantly scratch and do a ball re-alignment, in public because...that's what men do!

Yes, yes....penises have a great life!