Saturday, June 29, 2013

Everybody's Doing It

  At this point in my life, I feel as if there is a real possibility that I serve one main purpose in this be at the beck and call of my minion. I'm the maid, the chef, the chauffeur, the counselor, the nurse, the laundress and any number of other hats that fit the bill. I don't mind any one role specifically. Quite the contrary. I'm a mom - a stay at home mom more specifically- because I want to be. It's of my own choosing. However, there are times when I would like to entertain the idea that I may be intelligent and capable enough to perform other tasks. I'm talking about outside the home...for an a workplace...for real money. The very thought gets me a little excited...not because I want to be away from my family (ok...sometimes it wouldn't be so bad to get dressed up and leave the house without my army in tow), but to hold a title, a position, a J-O-B that others seem to respond to more than "Full Time Mom of Many". 

To be honest, though, my life skills don't seem to be applicable to the work force. I can perform motherly and wifely duties whilst a baby resides in my one-womb apartment; I'm more than experienced in the production of breast milk; I can do my "dirty business" with an audience; and I still manage to fit in the occasional sexy time with Lt Hubby. Even though my other mama friends feel as strongly as I do that these skills are not only priceless but vital for our family to survive, I think it's nary an employer that is seeking a "Lactating Domestic Diva" as an office assistant.

With that being said, I think I've found the perfect solution! As my girlfriend pointed out today, strip clubs are always in need of strippers, and even Lt Hubby suggested (jokingly...don't stone my hubby!) that I seek employment from the more upscale, high class Gentlemans Club instead of Shotgun Willies. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely zero experience in this arena...but beggers can't always be choosers. The only problem with this plan (ok...there are actually several problems with this plan but let's not be Negative Nellies) is that I'm a super competitive if I'm gonna strip, I want to be good! It would be quite a downer to my self esteem to have patrons leave during a dance, and my ego is going to want some regular Joe's to call my peeps! Hey...if Jennifer Love Hewitt can do it and make it look so darn enjoyable, then who am I to judge. Ok, she's actually offering more extensive "services" than I care to...but potato potahto! It's the bottom dollar we are interested in!

So...I'm going to need not only some on-the-job training, I'm probably going to have to invest in some kind of pole/stripping/not hurting myself or anyone else class. Lets be not my strength; sexy in heels while removing apparel: going to pose a challenge for me. It's about knowing your own personal strengths...and since I've never even done a strip tease for my one main man, stripping for strangers is probably going to push me out of my comfort zone. I did have one fleeting thought before Lt Hubby deployed that I would purchase Flirty Girl fitness and treat him to a pole dance / lap dance when he returned home. There were a couple slight issues with my ultimate seduction plan: Lt Hubby left me preggers (that's NOT the image LT Hubby wants for his first lap dance....someone is bound to be injured in that scenario!), I'm afraid I would place my stiletto-clad foot on the chair in too forceful of a way and unintentionally squish his junk, and the idea of me in my itty bitties dancing enticingly around a pole is laughable at best!

Anystripper, it looks as if "I'll have to enter this potential career choice without my usual arsenal of experience, fully loaded diaper bag, and an endless supply of fruit snacks...none of which are going to prove to be helpful. Instead I think I'll start practicing my stripper skills while doing my day-to-day chores. Cleaning the bathroom...switching the laundry...making supper this may be the ultimate test of my multitasking powers...and it may carry the potential to scar my boys for life! But at least they'll have money in their college fund!