Friday, November 16, 2018

If You Give a Girl a Minute, You'll Get a Lot of Thoughts

And just like that it's been months over a year since I've even considered coming to this space, my place, and purging the thoughts, ideas, and hilarities that never stop running through my mind. As they say, life happens. Such a simple statement. Too simple sometimes when you actually start to try and unpack that word "life". But it does, just the same and that time just keeps marching on at a break-neck pace that often ends up with me nursing my skinned knees and scuffed hands because, once again, I've fallen and, most assuredly, can't get up.

In all that has transpired in all of these past months and months and more months, my Momdom has become a very hectic little world. I'm not so much a fan of hectic. You see, I'm an introvert. I love people, don't get me wrong, but in small doses and on my terms. When life gets too peopley I can feel my energy drain, exhaustion-the soul kind- sets in deep and my joy for life seems hard to muster. Us introverts aren't cranky on purpose; we aren't trying to be rude; we just need- physically need- some alone time, home time. For my very survival, I need to hear the clock ticking in my home on the regular.

Couple an introverted personality with people-pleasing tendencies and you've created yourself a recipe for a disaster that looks a lot like Mr. Hot Mess and Miss Meltdown procreated. It's not a pretty picture. Enter my current situation. I'm somewhat at the edge of what I think is my sanity. I can actually see it dangling by a tiny little thread at the edge of my new reality. And it's all pretty much my own doing- for the most part.

You see, my baby, the youngest little dude of 6, went to school this year. As sad as that is, I didn't really want to deal with being home alone and "not having anything to do" or the idea that I'm probably not getting to have any more babies-either homemade or otherwise. Through lots of prayer and self-evaluation I decided to somewhat reinvent myself. I've basically been the Soldier's wife or the mom-of-all-the-boys for as long as I can remember. It was time to figure out who I actually was. And I did. Only a little too well, and now I'm tired

You see, I jumped into a hobby turned-way-too-quickly career with both feet! I hit the ground running and never looked back! Only, I am now paying the price. Between not knowing how to meet the demands placed on me and not being fully confident in saying the word "no", I've placed myself in a position of plain and simple exhaustion- of mind, body and soul. I'm tired-deep down into the depths of my soul tired. And that "tired" is weighing me down and taking away from my true joy- raising Godly men. I'm too tired to be the mom I've always sought to be. My patience is lacking. My gentle words are fewer and fewer. My cuddly moments don't happen because I'm either too tired or too busy. And it's very obvious that I am not the type of woman who can "have it all"- although I've never wanted "it" all anyway.

My "all" was always raising happy, well-rounded, God-fearing men while being a Godly wife and help-mate to my husband. Since at this stage kids trump spouse, my ability to be an ok wife-I'm not even shooting for good; to hell with great-is seriously lacking. It's all very "Mrs. Meltdown-Hot Mess", and she's started to look a little rough around the edges. I cry through praise music. I pout when I have more studying to do (still- all my own doing). I cringe when another request for my craft comes my way. It's a double-edged sword. I want to be able to fulfill these requests and help people achieve their goals-I love helping people! I love fitness! And I love leading classes! Yet, I'm simply exhausted- too exhausted to even do my own workout which has always, ALWAYS, been my personal release, my comfort-zone, my place of personal care.

That all leaves me with a brain jumbled with thoughts and worries and concerns and stress and ideas and suggestions and research topics and exercise modifications and training plans. I don't even have the sweet release of restful sleep anymore. It left when my sense of peace and calm left. When I no longer got to rest in my safety net of alone time at home- my peacefulness, calmness, overflowing joyfulness also left. I yearn to drink coffee and soak in the Word- my soul needs to drink in hours of the Lord, but that has been cut down to a measly 30-40 minutes.

And I can feel it; I can hear it in my thoughts, sense it in my panting soul, feel it in my racing heart. I worry that my kids are having to suffer because I'm gone more- and others tell me it's good for them when I express concern, and I'm left wondering, "Is it really?" No one knows my children like I do. NO ONE. I have to throw the bull sh!t flag on that one because if my child is begging me to sit with them, I have to believe that's where I should be. I worry my husband is deprived of ...well, me. I'm too tired to have a conversation let alone anything else that a husband and wife should enjoy. My body and soul are equally tired and sore. And I worry that NOT saying yes to every request for more from outside my home will leave me irrelevant and passed over. None of this is a win-win. If this is the reality for all those seeking "to have it all", "be all things", "bring home the bacon and make it too"...then I don't want it. I've never ever felt unworthy by staying home and being a homemaker. Never. Until I told my own damn self that it wasn't enough.

And I'm tired. Too tired to cry the tears that feel like they want to spill down my cheeks. Even though they sit in my throat almost daily waiting for their cue to release. Only not yet...I have a class to plan, a method to research, a test to study for, a supper to make, a wrestler that needs nutritional advice, children that need a story and spelling words help and a bath, a husband that eventually would like a conversation...and in all of that I really could just use a hug. And permission to say no. And a nap. And time with God.

But there just isn't time for all of that. And even as I try to wrap my mind around a million little thoughts and worries and attempt to make them make sense in this small space, I'm thinking about the test I should be studying for, and the Bible study I'm desperate to dive into, and the laundry that I can smell, and the complex carb options I should prepare for my wrestler, and the friendships that used to be friendships but really aren't anymore and should I even deal with that or let it go, and the Christmas shopping and December birthday shopping that needs my attention, and the budget that I'm sure won't stretch far enough which makes me think I should take on more classes to help which means I should probably seek more training and professional development which all leaves me in a heap on the floor wishing for a moment or a nap or a soul-exhausting prayer.

And if you ask me, "so how are you?" the people-pleaser and joy-seeker and happiness-giver inside of me will most assuredly smile and say, "I'm good. Busy. But that's life." I'll leave you with a dimply smile and bright blue eyes- because my burden is not your burden. But I'll gladly help you carry yours. Because at the end of all of this heaviness, I'm still a daughter of the King and I know He's in this with me...and I know I'm here to be a light that shines joy. Even if it kills me.