For the most part, I am handling this year long deployment pretty well. We had some unexpected surprises and hiccups...but I can usually handle them all with grace, dignity and laughter. I try to find the silver lining, the funny twist...the strip-and-go-naked alcoholic drink I'll make from the over abundance of lemons!
Sometimes, however, sometimes...my thoughts and emotions (and probably some pregnant hormones) overwhelm me...usually in the most inopportune moments. A malfunctioning washing machine has the potential to drop me to my knees in tears swearing to myself that I am going to throw in the towel. Praise and worship music on Sunday mornings never fails to leave me clenching my jaw, tightening my throat and fighting tears. Exhausted evenings without help causes ugly-mommy moments, growls, frowns and not enough hugs and kisses.
It's hard to understand how a good day can turn cranky or a morning at church can feel vulnerable and weak. But I'm trying...I'm doing my best even though at times it doesn't seem to be enough. And my mind questions...will we make it to a year? will we survive once their are 5 kids? will I be able to do all things for everybody and maintain a smile and positive attitude?
I don't have the answers. So I focus on one day at a time...sometimes, one hour at a time. I try to ignore the to-do list to spend time with my boys. And I try desperately to forget that I miss and need my husband every single moment of every single day...........