Thursday, March 21, 2013

Knock, Knock. Who's There?

The senses and intuitions that we posses as humans has always fascinated me. We are an amazing creation and our ability to surpass what was previously thought to be impossible is astounding. The intricacies of how we are knit together and the differences that set us apart are endless. If you have ever pondered "is there a God?", then you have never truly looked at and taken in the wonder and beauty of a newborn child. Perfectly constructed fingerprints and teeny tiny kissable toes are just the beginning of the awe and amazement that mankind truly is.

Fast forward about thirteen months...and that peaceful, perfect creation has magically turned into the terrors of a toddler with the intuition of an expert outdoorsman! They see better than us; they hear better than us; and mine definitely ignore better than any adult I've met! They even argue better than a master debater! I rarely win in the mommy/toddler pissing contest. Toddlerhood truly is God's inside joke on all of us sinners! One would think that my parenting prowess would not be sucked into the cuteness that is "baby"...and you would be wrong! Hook. Line. And sinker! I've been dooped...again! My sweet little surprise of a war- baby is now a tiny tornado wreaking destruction and havoc in every room he enters. And the deceiving part is that blonde-haired, blue-eyed grin which makes me believe he not only listened to me say "no no." But understand and will obey! And I am proven wrong every...single...time. As he toddles off to destroy yet another object that is not designated as "Tucker's", I can sometimes here the soft chuckle of God! I dare say....our Almighty and my toddler are in cahoots together!

Nothing in my house is deemed safe anymore. Anything that resembles something that maybe isn't his to play with...he HAS to have. Not even the garbage is left without being ravaged, investigated and sometimes EATEN!  I dare say that the toddler is more like a wild animal than a human...cute as a button...but wild for sure! He wants what he wants when he wants it and doesn't settle for no. His determination and relentless pursuit is exhausting. He unfolds the folded laundry, eats out of my garbage, dumps his brothers' puzzles, steals the 4 year olds' blankets, sits on the baby, drools on my iPad! Just last week I caught him with a kitchen spatula trying to stir the toilet water while he had my hot pink VS undies...on his head! WTH?! I'm not even ok with Lt Hubby wearing my panties on his head. I sure as patootie don't want my toddler doing it!

What's worse is that this short little poop machine has our entire house under his spell. If he whines long enough, one of the big brothers are going to give him what he wants. His naughtiness is somehow disguised by his cuteness, and even though I am well aware of a toddler's tricky ways...he sucks me right in! We are all merely puppets in his play! A one year old is running my house!! And this particular one year old came to us equipped with a genius awareness and perception. How on earth are they getting smarter?! I'm getting older and more too should the children! 30 is no longer what it used to be, and these dudes that dwell in my abode are wearing me out. I suspect they sense my fear...or exhaustion...and an overthrow of government is surely in our future.

Lt Hubby and I barely send the last of the six off to bed before we, ourselves, succumb to the lure of  the sandman. Drooling and snoring are the only noises that exit our Bordeaux these days. I fear by the time the last of our minion finally leave,  we will be too beat down and exhausted to do all the things we always said we would do "some day". Instead of weekends away for wild hotel sex and drunken naps on a beach, we now fantasize about sleeping until we wake up ON OUR OWN. And uninterrupted naps! No hokey pokey. No late night talk. No kitchen-floor sex. Nope! We just want to sleep until we can no longer sleep. And since that seems to be a fairy tale that happens in far off lands, we will continue to make the toddler stop eating discarded banana peels, ask the 4 year old to get his hand out of his pants, demand that the 6 year old wipe that on a tissue, and plead with the older two to excuse themselves before they gas the family. Ahhh! We are definitely "living the dream"!

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