Friday, April 18, 2014

Lost But Not Found

I've always believed that God would never give you more than you can carry. In my adult life, the road has not been paved my rainbows and unicorns. We've had our fair share of crap-storms, but I've always stood on the rock of God. Time and again I've been told (and retold) that God only wants good things, is in the details, and is a refuge. But what happens when in the storms of life you are unable to sense, see, or feel God?

For I am lost.

My heart and soul feel attacked and injured. Everything I value and love in my life, except my children, is being taken away or at best is being threatened. Even the very details surrounding my children's joy and opportunities is being stolen. The specific details in all of it isn't important, and neither is anyone else's opinion, advice, suggestions or point of view. This is how I feel...and I feel it deeply. I cry Every day. A smile is rare and laughter has been lost. And if you truly know me, you would know that my ability to smile and laugh through whatever life deals is my best quality. I've always been tough as nails, but I feel deeply broken. 

For I am lost.

Questions, doubt, anger, deep sadness all consume my heart and my head. And since I can't growl at and attack those truly putting this burden...this trial...upon my family's doorstep, I've gone after the next closest thing: my husband. He's directly affiliated with "the enemy", at least that's what I call them. I'm not saying it's fair or justified. I'm just saying it is. And it makes me sad. My marriage was in the best place it has ever been...and I now have a front row seat to watch it buckle and deteriorate under the weight of this burden. I want to cling to my husband in his strong embrace and let the storm subside around us, but I can't. The devil has his talons in deep. He whispers to my soul and dances around my house...I hear him...and it scares me.

For I am lost.

The exhaustion of this wrestling match with God is taking its tole. My smile has laughter has joy got taken away. And the sadness. Oh the sadness. It has found a home in my heart. I don't have any answers. I struggle with the idea of just trusting God especially since He hand delivered this trial upon my family. Not one positive...not one...can I see at the end of all of this. Not one. All I see is the negatives, the heartache, the loneliness, and the eventual loss of a marriage. That's all I see. 

For I am lost.

I seek this solace, this place of rest, that God proclaims. But that trust struggle of mine is cemented deep within me. If God desires to break me...He has won. My soul desperately wants to trust God...but my heart and my head stand firmly on the desire to have some say, some control. Answers, directions, paths all allude me...

For I am lost.


The Lovely One said...

:( I hope you find your path soon. I pray that God shows you the way.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry. Seems God is testing a lot of us these days.