Friday, November 12, 2010

Tunnel Closed. Use Alternate Route.

I've had 4 my ob/gyn is well versed in the very personal idiosyncrasies of my female anatomy. By the pregnancy of #4 it's really "been there, done that" for both of us. I mean, he's already seen and explored more than possibly my hubby has, and he's definitely discussed and examined more of my "areas" than I would care to remember.

Pregnancy is such an invasion of privacy. My delicate areas, I soon learned with baby #1, were no longer mine...indeed, they were now property of the medical team. Property that needs to be examined, felt, touched, maneuvered, pulled, stitched, checked, checked again, checked again (seriously, I just had a baby; I could use some sleep!) and in 6 weeks checked again! You tend to lose some of your modesty with each child that you are blessed to bear.

As I had said earlier, my doctor has now been privileged to investigate my "tunnel" on several memorable occasions. I'm sure it was just as meaningful to him as it was to me. And after 4 pregnancies, I had learned to somewhat detach myself from my tendency to be Prudence McPrude, and started to view my appointments as social time to be enjoyed rather than dreaded. Of course, I still made sure my girl bits were in tip-top shape and always presentable. One still wants to make a good impression! I mean, I don't want my doctor to think I'm letting myself go or anything...I definitely don't want to be the one he laughs about at the OB/GYN conventions! 3 babies may have already shot out of this tunnel, but it's still valuable property, and I treat it as such.

Now, I'm sure you have all been sitting in that paper gown with nothing but your full glory underneath when the nurse comes in to ask if the medical student shadowing your doctor can be present during your appointment. This is the point where my butt-crack starts to sweat, my heart beat thuds so loudly I can't hear myself stutter, and even the baby starts to wiggle with a little apprehension which is now giving me the urge to fart. I don't generally introduce myself to strangers with this particular area of my anatomy...I mean, "Hi. Nice to meet you. You look about 17 years old...would you like to check my tunnel!" So from somewhere inside me I mustered the strength to say, "No thank you" with an uncomfortable little chuckle and awkward smile. To my relief, the nurse leaned in close and said, "I wouldn't either" . Whew! So I'm not the only crazy lady out there that doesn't say hello with the glory of my vagina!


Teresa said...

Oh that was great! Loved it. Actually LOL'd too! I have only had one child but I understand the fact of having lots of strangers shaking hands with Mrs. Va-jay-jay! Not pleasant! Especially with about 10 nurses in the room! Eeek.

Anonymous said...

LMAO! Love it...I know what you mean..butt crack sweat and all. I have three kids and lost my modestly many years ago!

Here from Follow Me Back Tuesday to return your follow. I know, I'm insanely late...but I've had a rough week!


Holly said...

Oh my, haHA! Hilarious! You put it into words perfectly mama!

Jamarama and All That Jazz said...

I am laughing so hard, Crystal! You hit the target on that...I loved this! I love that you werent afraid to write about what most women wouldnt. This is just GREAT! LOL <---Truly!

Jamarama and All That Jazz said...

Oh Crystal I laughed so hard at this. Love that you are not afraid to write about what us moms have been through! Love this !!!!