Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Devil Wears...Spandex?

Being a mama is tough; being a single mama, even if only for a year, is even tougher. However, I'm not usually one to admit defeat...or even accept it. But lately, with the addition to our family, I've started to doubt my "everywoman" status (you know..."Everyman"? the play about how you need to live to save your soul? Come on peeps! Get with the literary program.) Anycrazyplay, back to my delusional I-can-do-all-manage-all-handle-all mental state. What I once thought I could conquer is now my daily Everest, and it never goes away or gets any better. Clothes...always dirty; dishes...always needing emptying and reloading into the dishwasher; house...constantly in disarray; mommy...never showered, shaved or properly groomed! I'm sleep deprived, malnourished and on the brink of a mental breakdown!

Apparently, without my consent or knowledge, I was dethroned...about 5 weeks ago. My ruler is now 23 inches long, 11 lbs 14 oz, blonde hair, blue eyes and a dictator of the boobies. Milk must be constantly on tap and at his disposal...24/7! Not only are my breasts being held hostage (you DO remember what happens to the boobs once baby has staked his claim, right?), but my nether regions may never, ever recover from the natural disaster that blasted through them. Like Hurricane Katrina, that 9 pound bowling ball that came rolling out of my vagina blasted through and destroyed everything in its path. My hubby's favorite playground may be out of commission far longer than he would like! And my post-baby body (which my children so lovingly informed me looks like "another baby is going to come out"...seriously!?! I wasn't even in real underwear yet when they "complimented" my curves!) leaves me frustrated, annoyed, and ready to cry at the drop of a hat.

My older children have learned, unfortunately, that a sleep-deprived, malnourished (baby doesn't like ANYTHING that I eat...I've resorted to bread and water), hasn't had sex in 8 1/2 months (honestly, I'm totally ok not having sex while preggo but I AM starting to think that the possibility of my hymen growing back is highly likely), never gets to have a hot, regular shower mama...isn't one with whom you should mess, irritate, or disturb if eyes are closed!

Generally, I would say the devil wears Prada..or at least a red dress. But in our appears the devil wears size large yoga pants, granny panties, and a big, baggy t-shirt, void of makeup or groomed hair...and answers in a growl to the word "mom"!

1 comment:

Donna said...

Too funny! I guess you could always look for Prada yoga pants? I think they should make those for all women. So we can rock grunge design. Yep. Personally I'm fond of my cow pj's but that's just me being grumpy because the hubs stole my car while his is in the garage and the kiddo is gone most of the day for her college classes and I'm stuck at home. Love this post though, takes me back to the days, you WILL survive. Just remember what they say about dirty houses and happy kids, if you've got both you're a better mom than housekeeper! That's a title I'd be happy to have!