(continued from part 2 posted on Tuesday, October 5, 2010)
I am simply another person lost in a world of confusion. Never being forced to question myself, I feel "I" have defined myself. I am as others see me, and their reactions to me form my personality. The only person I am truly comfortable and honest with is "myself". I am afraid to reveal my identity to others for I fear their reaction. "Will they like 'me'?" So quietly I hide who I am never risking the chance of rejection. Everyday people see me as who I am not, until that has become who I am. We work so desperately to become someone else physically and socially that we lose sight of who we are mentally and emotionally.
I asked before, "Who are you?" Hopefully one can ponder the many points of that particular question. By the by, I am but a single nobody lost in the realms of society. No one knows me, yet many know of me. Wandering in and out of a wakeful sleep, I live my life...My life?...I look at my life through eyes filled with question. I am merely another soul wandering aimlessly searching for direction, but no one sees the loss or confusion because I hide it well. Our intricate world is merely "cookie-cutter designs" participating in a game of "follow the leader". No color...no grace...no diversity.
I wander alone and confused by my thoughts with a permanent facade indistinguishable from the rest of society. I am protected if I am alone. If I remain hidden from others, then I will be safe and void from harm. No one knows me, yet no one wants to know me for they fear the prospect of the unknown and the different. Is there beauty in difference? Only in the eye of the beholder. "I", myself, am ugly to the world and repulsing it with my inner self. I shelter my thoughts hoping to relate by conformity. I lack the will to be my own person for I fear the consequences. I am safe in a life that does not accommodate my being. Comfort is not a question...it determines my happiness...it defines my life. A life of service for a character in a play. It is not "me" that is seen. Perfectly I display who they want me to be. I am nothing...I am no one. Who are you?................................
There are parts of this that still very much plague me in the quiet sleeplessness of nights. I still struggle to let people in to see and know me...the real me. I try very hard to be what others want me to be, and I often find myself lost trying to be like every other wife and mother. "Keeping up with the Jones's" and trying to appease the should's and should not's of every role that I'm in: daughter, sister, aunt, in-law, mother, wife, Christian; can leave me feeling unsure and full of uncertainty. Rules and expectations that can overwhelm. But when I am in the still of Jesus and walk closely with Him, I find I am at peace with myself. I appreciate the blessings of who God made me to be, and I try to embrace it...and share it.
This is a much heavier post than I have done. I apologize for its dramatic feel- I just wanted to share it. I hope it touches someone, speaks to someone, brings about a stirring inside.