Friday, November 18, 2011

The Vagina Chronicles

I'm not sure how many of you actually stayed around to read what I have to say...but let me explain myself! I'm 34 1/2 (yes the 1/2 definitely matters!) pregnant with baby #5. Five! You do know where the previous 4 have escaped from, don't you?? And, as long as all goes according to plan, #5 will take the same path of departure.That's a lot of trauma to be expected for one, likes-to-be-treated-like-a-Queen vagina ( Mrs. Duggar is about to pop out #20. Obviously her vagina had a higher calling than mine). Mine, however, is starting to think that her job here is done. She's considering retirement, if you will.

Much to her dismay, however, she will still be called upon to do the unthinkable in about 6-7 (or 8 or 9 in my case...I hold them in for a long time. I think I must have a cervix of steal or something!) weeks! Poor girl...she never saw it coming really. One minute she's telling hubby "goodbye" and "here's to your safe return from war", and the next she is blindsided by this surprise (and not requested, by the way) "call to duty"! Will she get a badge of honor at the end of this??? No! Of course not. It is merely part of her job as described under "other duties as assigned by employer".

However, I don't think I have successfully prepared her for this upcoming task. All of the muscles surrounding her have apparently surrendered under the pressure of the upcoming battle. Walking hurts. Sitting to standing and visa versa hurts. Using my legs to push things (or kids) hurts. What is going on?! I've been so nice to her. I've even let her forgo her most undesirable task during pregnancy (we'll talk a different time about why pregnancy and sex doesn't mix).

SO until the trauma of D-day befalls her I need to be extra careful. She is the last one with whom I want to make an enemy. I'm gonna need her again someday....actually when hubby is done saving the world, I would like to reintroduce her to him. Hopefully, she and I will be back on speaking terms by the time he comes home. Wish her (and me) luck!!


Shell said...

OMG, this cracked me up!!!

Blue Eyes said...

This made me laugh! Also one of my biggest fears about having children!

Thanks for commenting on my blog the other day! I really appreciate it!

Andie said...

You crack me up! I'm a Mom of dudes myself and can relate to you so much. I'm just tuning in so did you plan for #5 in hopes of the baby being a girl, or was it a matter of just wanting five kiddos or a big family? I'm a new follower! I love the blog and you're quite entertaining!!

Babe in Boyland

Boobies said...

Bwhahaha! Don't you know..the vagina is super resilient...she'll bounce back! ;)

Brandi said...

SNORT! She'll be okay... my husband says if tires could be made out of it, we'd never need new tires. Whatever. That's kinda weird, but that's what he said. lol.

You're a spring chick girlfriend! I popped out my surprise baby when I was 38, but I retired the old girl. I will not be having a surprise #5. ;)