Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen

I can't get my head to clear...to find peace...to find calm. I can't. This 2 weeks of hubby being at pre-deployment training is breaking me down. It's practice for the real thing....and I'm afraid I'm failing. It's all coming down on my in an instant...what I thought I could handle, for what I was sure I was prepared...is turning out to be my undoing. The world became heavy and dark this week....and I can't seem to catch my breath. I'm on the verge of tears constantly...which I am forced to choke down. Once one escapes I fear I will be unable to deter the rest.

All of it right now is bearing down on me....the magnitude of a year, the weight of the responsibility, the reality of alone-ness and the increasing sense of solitude. And my mama-bear is ever growing...overwhelming my need to protect my boys. Too many have offered "words of wisdom" in regards to how to handle deployment and my children. But until you've walked in my shoes and have been faced with picking up the pieces after 4 little boys tell their daddy good bye for a year...then please don't offer words of advice. My sons do not have to "suck it up"; they don't have to "deal with it"; and for heaven's sake don't patronize them by saying "a year will go fast". None of that is true! And their reality is that there is no guarantee that their father will ever come home. This is a war....soldiers die every single day....and that is the reality that I have to face...and swallow...and answer when my 2 oldest boys look up at me and ask. As an adult, yes, I have to "suck it up" and "deal with it", but my boys do not.

My reality is that our 7 year old son has worked hard enough to make it the state wrestling tournament...and he is ranked #1 in the state in his weight class! That's exciting and amazing and worthy of congratulations! But his reality is that his dad has been denied a 24 hour pass to come and watch and cheer and support and share the experience...which is now overshadowed with disappointment. That same little boy also has to go without a kiss or hug from daddy on his 8th birthday on Monday. He will go without his daddy on his 9th birthday because he will be in Afghanistan. Daddy missed his 6th birthday, his 1st birthday and his birth....all for the military. So please don't tell my child to "suck it up"....don't you think he has?

My reality is that my 12 year old son has been scarred from his daddy's first deployment. And he is struggling...struggling to make sense, struggling to grow up, struggling to be my helper, struggling to take care of his brothers, struggling to be strong, struggling to ignore the inevitable goodbye, struggling to be the man of the house when he is only just a boy. So please don't tell him he needs to "deal with it"....don't you think he is?

There is no instruction manual as to how to approach this situation. I am doing my best. And the only thing I know how to do is gather my cubs in my cave and attack anyone who threatens any harm. It might not be the best way...but it's the only way  I know. I'm doing my best....I'm trying to hold it all together....I'm trying to be mommy and daddy to my four boys...I'm trying to get them to every event they want to attend....I'm trying to teach and mold and correct...I'm trying to put on a smile and tell everyone, "It's ok. We'll be fine. I've got it under control." I'm trying...but this week I'm failing.

My heart is aching...for me, for my boys, for what my hubby will miss. My mind is racing...with unanswerable questions, with relentless prayers, with fears that keep me from sleep, with "words of wisdom" that leave me questioning my sanity, with bitterness and anger of which I cannot seem to let go. And with all of that...comes guilt. Because there are families out there that would love to have the option of sending their soldier back to war...only they didn't return after the first time. Who am I to whine and complain when I was blessed with my soldier's safe return, 7 years, and 2 more babies between deployments. We have a beautiful home and more than enough food....and yet I whine. So with all of the emotions that are drowning me, the cherry on top is guilt. I have no justification in feeling this way. My cup should be overflowing with gratitude and blessings.........................................but troubled waters run deep in my soul. 

18 comments:

Brandi said...

Awww,hun... :( My mom did that twice, but not in a war situation and I don't know how she did it. My dad took two unaccompanied tours to Korea, 4 years apart. My younger brother was 12 the 2nd go-around and it was a very difficult time for him.

I will be keeping you and your 4 dudes in my prayers, and I'll be sending out many, many prayers for your hubby's safety.

Slidecutter said...

My heart aches for all of you; won't bother saying more because this is your place to vent and to share. As far as I'm concerned, it's our place to read and let you know we understand.

And keep you guys in our prayers.

You know where to find me kiddo....anytime!

Big, take-your-breath-away, Hugs,
Patty

Stephanie said...

Hugs from a stranger in NM... Know that I'm thinking of you & your family.

Johi said...

I just want to give you the world's biggest hug then take you out for the world's biggest margarita. Since I can't do that, I will definitely be sending up my biggest prayers for all of you.

Shell said...

I have no words of wisdom for you. But, I will send you and your family prayers.

Lola said...

Wow. Powerful words that leave me speechless and tear-streaked. My oldest son is turning 12 this Saturday. I think my heart would break if he had to say goodbye to his dad for a year. I don't know how you bear it. I have such respect for you. And I am so impressed by your ability to find a positive side to this incredibly difficult situation. Much love.

Diana @Hormonal Imbalances said...

You know what? What you are facing is just as big of a deal as anyone else's problems. Because they belong to you. They change your life.

I'm only doing 4 1/2 months right now. And it's hard. It's really hard. But the worst part was waiting for him to go. I know you know that, and it's so hard to wrap your head around.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Ashley said...

First of all, you have every right to your feelings. You should not have guilt! I'm so sorry you are going through this, I can't imagine. And my heart aches for your boys, it must be so hard for them to understand. You will be in my thoughts and prayers sweetie. You are an amazing mom. xo

The Blue Zoo said...

I dont have any words of wisdom, no advice, no nothing. Ive never been there. But Im so sorry.

Ok- wait, I do have ONE thing - Dont feel guilty! All your reasons for feeling this way are real and valid. So dont feel guilty. =)

Amy said...

BIG BIG hugs to you!! I am not dealing with the same thing but I am dealing with a separation and it is really hard to go through. I know you said you don't want to hear it but for me time really has flown by. Does it make it easier? Yes and no. Yes because yay time is flying! No because even though the time is passing fast it still feels like the time apart will never be over. Thank you guys so much for your sacrifice for our country! Thanks for making this a safe place for my baby to grow. We really appreciate it!!

ModernMom said...

I wish I had some magic words for you. Sending thoughts to give you strength and hugs...

Mommy Nani Booboo said...

Whine.
Whine all you want.
We'll listen.

I'm Jennifer. said...

And I was just going to hop on Twitter and complain that my husband doesn't get home from work until 9. What if he didn't come home for a year? Could not handle that and can't imagine how hard it is for you and your boys. Please do not hesitate to share your feelings, complaints, whatever. Do not feel guilty. Rant and rave if it helps. There's a blogosphere of moms who want to listen and be there for you!

The Mommy Mambo said...

Oh man. I won't pretend I understand. I'm so sorry, but don't feel guilty for being human and holding tight to what you have.

But I will say this.....Thanks to you, your hubs, and your beautiful boys for the sacrifice for the country and, in essence, my family.
We'll pray for his safe, fast return.

Bethany said...

I just popped over from Brandi's blog on a whim. I just wanted to say I'm praying. For you, your boys, your husband, the soldiers he's with. Thank you so very, very much. I don't take the sacrifices your family are making lightly.

Boobies said...

Hun, I'm so sorry...my heart goes out to you and the kids. Sending you all of my strength! XO

The Mommy Mambo said...

You ok?

Ms. Blasé said...

This post rips my heart out. All I can offer you in comfort are my prayers... prayers for your family and prayers for your peace. May God's comfort and protection surround you and your husband, may His wisdom and insight guide you when you don't know what to do. And may His love wash over you and fill you up to overflowing.

No, you're not whining. You're expressing very real emotions, circumstances and fears. This is the reality. But bigger than those overwhelming issues are the sincere thoughts and prayers of those who love and care for you. And bigger still is our God. May you find comfort and peace within His arms.