It comes in every size and in every color. It beckons to the imperfect and holds them captive. It knows no race or sex.....but loves to dwell in the stillness of a mother.
It weighs heavy on her heart. Brings her to tears. Shames her in the mirror. Every snarl, every short response, every grab that was harder than it should have been looks back at her...mocking her. Doubts echo in her head...in her heart....when she sits quietly in the dark. Every time her baby cried longer than he should have, every nighttime feeding that was met with a growl, every selfish moment stolen in the bathroom, every "just a second" as she put the child off to finish some other task.
At night, before going out with friends it laughs at her while putting on her "fancy" clothes and "good" makeup. And hangs on her as she tries to gracefully walk out the door...cries still ringing in her ear. During stolen secret moments it beckons her back as she checks her phone knowing that the child must need her.
It keeps her rushing home and through the door only to discover that the world didn't fall apart...not tonight anyway. It's what makes her tiptoe into the darkness of a quiet, sleep filled room to gaze at her sleeping angel. Her heart aches to read just one more bedtime story, to give one more rock-a-bye, to get one more kiss. The giggles of her young hold her heart captive. Their aches she feels, their joys she shares, their tears she holds. Every moment seared onto her heart. Even the anger of the child can't stop her from holding and loving.
But in the quiet, in the stillness of night, in the solitude that comes with motherhood...guilt rears it's ugly head. Will it cause you to do greater and better and more or will it hold you captive while choking your joy? Will it live and thrive and taunt you of your failures? Or will you admonish it's hold, standing up to its struggle and rise to call of duty.........as mom?
This post is written in response to a prompt from "the red dress club". Our prompt was to write about something ugly and find the beauty in it.