Thursday, February 3, 2011

For the "If" in Life

It stuck out like a sore thumb. The moment it came out of his mouth, it grabbed me by the collar and knocked me to the floor. My husband said "if". We were talking about upgrades and possible remodeling we wanted to do "down the road". And my husband said "if". "If" I come home from war.........The rest of the sentence, or conversation for that matter, doesn't matter because time stopped for me. "If" is still hanging in the air. I can see it. I dodge it daily. And sometimes at night I awaken in terror as it grabs my throat and threatens to choke the life right out of me.

"If" is an uncomfortable place I've been before. There is something scarily familiar about the "if" in my life. I remember dodging any and all news and conversations that hinted toward events in Iraq. Every gun fight, every road-side bomb, every RPG that attacked a convoy, every "casualty of war" had the possibility of being or involving my soldier. So I avoided that "if" with all of my strength....until he finally came home. And now, with only 52 days (all the rest of the days of the next 3 1/2 months before he goes are spoken for by the military for pre-deployment training) until he leaves for a year I am fighting desperately to avoid the issue of "if".

Most of the time we plan...we plan for the good, we plan for the bad. "If (_____), then (______)." It is a safety net, good financial planning, hopeful family planning, vacation planning...I could go on and on. We all do it....if this, then this. It's the way the world spins round...everything has an if/then statement. But what do we do when "if" scares the hell out of us? What do we do when "if" is so unimaginable that the fear of it occurring threatens to cripple my ability to function?

"If"? Then what?

13 comments:

Vic said...

oh my goodness....i know! it scares the hell out of me when bryan and mackenzie head out the door to work and school....what if.....anything could happen! it's scary and sometimes makes me wonder what the hell we are doing here if we just die anyways...i'm sorry...of no help here! i can't imagine the things you guys face! xoxo....have a nice day friend!

Johi said...

You're breaking my heart. *hugs*

Emma Major said...

Oh love, my heart goes out to you. I lived my life with "if" for so long and it was a scary place. Now I try to focus more on the "when" but it's hard.
emma
http://majorloveoffilm.blogspot.com

Trina Curran said...

I can't imagine "if..."...you are brave and so strong. Thank you to you and your husband for serving.

parentingBYdummies said...

Oh my goodness I can only imagine. Having spent a good amount of time on military bases (we lived overseas when I was younger) and in places where moms and dads were constantly deployed (luckily my dad only went out once) I can't even think of how nerve wracking it must be for a spouse. It makes those 52 days seem so precious.

The Hockey Wife said...

Thank you for the comment. Every time I read a post like yours, I feel so bad complaining about my husband leaving for a week or two at a time. I am always amazed at the strength the spouse's of those in the military. You deserve a medal for all you do until they return.

When your husband comes home, I will share a pint of ice cream and a slice of cheese cake with you!

Rhonda said...

I am praying for you and your hubs with a heart full of gratitude for the things that you both unselfishly sacrifice.

Personally, I try really hard not to tiptoe around life with If's, otherwise I'll hardly make it outside. And if I listen to Robert Smith, my all time fave musician (and husband in an alternate reality), THERE IS NO IF. Just AND.

Wonderful blog, btw. Good reading. :)

sara said...

I cannot even imagine...my heart skipped a beat when I read it. I wish there was something I could do to help! I feel like we have become friends through this blogosphere! I always remember you, your husband and sweet family in my prayers. Prayers for a safe return!!

Donna @ The House on the Corner said...

I remember those days and I'm sorry you're there. I hope the year goes quickly. I pray God watches over you both.

Boobies said...

I can't even imagine going through those emotions. God bless you & your hubby for helping serve this country. XO

Heather M said...

Man, I cant even imagine myself in your shoes, your so brave and soo strong, the only advice I can give you is to hold on to faith and pray your heart out. Hang on to faith hope and Love. Ill be praying for you friend!!

Cherie said...

I am praying for you during this "if" time! My husband is an airline pilot and sometimes the ifs grab me suddenly. Keep the faith and we will be praying for you!

I am a new follower and found you over at the Weekend Wanderer blog hop!


http://lotsofjewels.blogspot.com/

Ashley said...

I think about military wives all the time. I don't know how you do it. Seriously, I don't think I have the strength. You both are amazing and make such an incredible sacrifice. XOOX