Thursday, December 16, 2010

The List

We received my husband's packing list of all the things we need to put in his conex box for war. It needs to be ready by the next guard drill...in 3 weeks. Hubby handed me the list without much emotion or inflection in his voice...just very matter-of-fact. Have you ever felt your heart drop and struggle to choke the tears stinging to erupt?

My calling is to be the strong army wife...I owe it to him. I can't break down, I can't scream uncle, I can't throw in the towel. No complaints about what is being heaped onto my plate for my burden compared to his is quite painless. This is not a choice...for either of us. So I will hold my head high, I'll keep my shoulders broad, and I'll secure my boots on tightly...for the world seems to have gotten heavier, darker...doom seems to have weighed down my heart.

It all seems to be getting so much more "real". For months now "it" has been the unspoken of our family, the elephant in the room, the taboo subject we never brought up. But I can see it on my horizon...and I'm scared. But I won't let anyone see that fear. My game-face is on. I owe it to my hubby to be strong- not just strong, Army strong. I must be mother and father to 4 little boys. I need to reassure them that it will be ok...and that we will pray for daddy's safe return.

We haven't broken the devastating news to our sweet babes yet. They will struggle with the news, but one child I pray for daily. My sweet #1. He was 4 when daddy left for his first tour...and he is scarred. He will need help; more than I can give. I feel panic and anxiety and my emotions are constantly threatening to boil over. So I push them harder and harder into that dark place in which I don't dare venture. I clench my jaw...and shut the door on the outside world.

Lord please help me with this path You have set my family on. I want to accept this challenge, this burden...with grace and dignity...and strength. Lord please give me strength. Give me the wisdom to know where to seek help and support for my boys...and give me the courage to accept it when offered. Lord please take away this bitterness that poisons my heart...this anger that chokes me. I don't know if I can do this. I don't seem to have the answers...please help me to trust in You. Lord please give #1 courage and peace- he will struggle so much with this information and saying goodbye. Please wrap your arms around #2 with love and understanding- he won't be able to control his tears. Lord give #3 peace and love- he will be so confused and scared. Please give my sweet baby #4 comfort and the blessing or memories- I am so afraid he will forget his daddy- Lord please keep his daddy in his heart. Mostly Lord please keep hubby safe- please bring him home to our family.

Amen

12 comments:

Shanna said...

Oh, Crystal. My thoughts are with you guys. I cannot even imagine what must be going through your mind right now... But I know you are one tough motha' and you (AND your boys) will get through this, just like you got through it the last time. My love to you, Josh & the boys as you work through this challenge as a family.
-Shanna

sara said...

My heart aches for you! I will keep your husband and you and your boys in my prayers daily! I watched my brother and his family go through this on more than one occassion. I cannot even imagine the emotions or the fear! I cannot even imagine the sacrafices that you all make. God Bless you!!

Donna said...

I can't say with any honesty that I can understand. No one can unless they've been in that particular situation. I will say that kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. I will also say (with experience) that you can't do everything by yourself. The more you shove in that darkness, the more piles up and it WILL come out eventually. Allow the tears when you're by yourself, look for support groups around where you live or even online, it's amazing how much it helps just to know that there are others going through the same thing. Other than that, honey I have no idea. You have no idea how much I personally appreciate the sacrifices people like you and your husband make for me, my child, our country, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers until he's safely home again.

<3 Donna

My Bottle's Up! said...

you're in my thoughts.

DocKev said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you, your kids, and your husband. I want to thank you, your husband, and your children though. It takes special people to be able to do this. With love and support, you will all get through.

Keli said...

Oh my. Your post made me cry. I can't imagine going through what you're going through right now. You amaze me. You and your husband. I will say many many prayers for you and your family. Thank you so much for doing what you're doing. I will be thinking of you and praying for you and your family!!

pr0udmom0f3 said...

Hi there, Crystal. I'm now following you, thanks to Donna's award post at Write Now, Write Later.

It's going to be tough, but I think you will do a GREAT job while dad's away. I commend you moms that have to do both roles while your man is serving.

My dad was forced in to being both mom and dad where I was concerned. But for much different reasons. I honestly don't know how he pulled it off without going nuts.

Sandra said...

Awwww, I hate it when bloggers make me cry...
army wives are the strongest ladies I know.

The Lovely One said...

This is has got to be a very stressful time for you. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

Liz said...

Wow, you are so amazingly strong. You and your family will get through this together.

Shell said...

Sending prayers for you and your family.

Rachel said...

Just wanted to let you know I am praying for you and your family. Tell your husband thank you for serving our country. It means so much to me!

:)
Rachel