Monday, December 27, 2010

Loss of Inocence

Twelve years ago today, I was on the eve of a day that changed my life forever. My body was stretched to its max as the previous 9 months of pregnancy had spread like butter. Everything about me seemed bigger...wider...weightier. I was only 20...barely a woman in my own right, but something felt right...felt purposeful. I wasn't scared to me a mom or even scared of all the responsibilities that come with that title. I was excited to meet this person I created, nervous at the unknown of labor and delivery, and calmly assurant of my purpose.

Hubby and I sat in our apartment dozing on and off as we watched TV unaware of what tomorrow would bring...what it would change...what it would offer to our lives. It was our last day of innocence...of ignorance. We knew not what to expect, but we were filled with hope and excitement ready to welcome our bundle into the world.

Today, twelve years later, we sit watching TV contemplating what tomorrow will bring somewhat fearful and anxious. Tomorrow our oldest will turn 12. 12 years old...not really a boy and not quite a man. And tomorrow will be his last day of innocence...of ignorance. The last day that his heart will not carry a burden...a hurt and a fear that I can't prevent. After his birthday, we will be telling him that his dad will be leaving for Afghanistan in a few short months to fulfill a year long deployment that I, myself, am struggling to wrap my mind around. I can't protect him from the adult questions that he will wonder and ask. I can't protect him from the fearful thoughts that will surely haunt his sleep. And I can't protect him from the responsibility that will befall him. By virtue of being the oldest, he will bear the greatest burden, he will be charged the greatest duty, he will suffer the greatest pain. The reality of war will not be lost on the innocence of his age. He will wonder and ponder and question and fear.

I am more unprepared now for this encumbrance than I was 12 years ago when on the brink of becoming a mother. Fears...I have many. Questions...they fill my head. alludes me. I am at a loss as to what words we will say, and how I will support my son who will bear the burden of a man. He will indeed lose a piece of his innocence. My heart aches as I don't want tomorrow to come and go. But it surely will...and his life will be changed forever.


Carin said...

So sorry to read Crystal! I will keep you in my prayers and let me know if I can help in any way from far away :)Love ya!

Sandra said...

12 is good. 12 is still a boy. It's the 14 and 15 that sort of make you go "gulp!"
Great post! Very introspective.

Mom to 2 Posh Lil Divas said...

my heart aches for you all - your post touched me!

I thank you for what your husband does for our country! I appreciate the sacrifice you all make while he serves!

Best of luck to you breaking the news.

Will keep you all in my prayers!

I am a new follower today - you can visit meat

Natalie said...

I thank your husband, you, and your family for what he is doing for all of us.

12! I bet the time flew by, didn't it? My oldest is only 3 and I can't believe how quickly it's come and gone.

Keeping you in my prayers!

Vic said...

awww.sweetie! happy birthday to him! i am so like,.. that is getting right up there but M is right behind him! wow! how 12 years seemed like yesterday! we will never stop worrying and our hearts will always hurt someway or another...i am so thankful to have met a friend as you:) your writing is magnificent and the life you share with us is amazing and powerful! he will be a better man because of this!:) xoxo lots of love darling! i'm always here to chat!

Liz said...

Try to take it day by day, and question by question.

I'm so sorry that you have to carry this burden, and now pass it along to your son.

Erin said...

You, Your family and Your husband are amazing! You do everyday what I am most thankful for, your husband provides the freedom and you deal with and provide for your family while he is away!
I will pray for his safe return and I will also pray for the strength for your son!

Megan said...

I know you'll find the strength, somehow. And I hope your son's innocence is replaced with knowledge and strength too.

Thank you so much for your sacrifice.

Cheryl said...

Twelve. You are right. Such a tough age, not quite a boy, not quite a teenager. And then to add in his father leaving for the unknown..

Know that what your family is doing for the rest of us is wholeheartedly appreciated.


Sugar Mama said...

My son turned 12 this month as well... and it was exciting but sad at the same time. My oldest turns 14 in February and I'm freaking out about it!

Valery (CEO Wanna Be) said...

Hi I am a new follower from Love Comment day and my oldest is turning 12 in April and I just see the same thing, not a man, not a boy and oh where has the time gone. Have a great Sunday