Thursday, October 7, 2010

Letting Go

My oldest is 11- he will be 12 in 2 1/2 short months. I see him growing up, pulling away and then running back. He needs me and then he pushes me away. He hugs me and then he doesn't have time to talk. It's a tough life lesson for a mama...letting them let go.

It was a cold day on a December morning when I went to the hospital for my induction. It was the day that I would become a mommy. Nervous, anxious, excited, and more than a little scared. I was only 20. By all measures, still very much a kid. I was on the verge of being responsible for a tiny, helpless baby. No person, no class, and no experience can prepare you for this moment.

When that little (meaning 8 1/2 pound) boy was placed in my arms, everything I knew and thought about this world......changed. I never believed in moments that could affect you in such a dramatic way, until I met this little boy. A love I had never felt before overwhelmed me....a warm burning that started in my heart and pulsed outward. I couldn't kiss him enough, hold him enough, love him enough. When the Grandmas wanted to hold him, it almost felt like an intrusion on my time with him. Selfish, I know, but that's how I felt.

My oldest has always been my shadow. He follows me everywhere- even now at almost 12. He seeks me out wherever I am....just to get a hug and say I love you. And I fear the day that he stops.....stops hugging me from behind when I'm busy making supper, stops texting me after school that he loves me, stops asking for a mommy-Tyler date night.....stops needing me.

Is this hurt how it feels to watch your child grow? I know it is how God planned, and at some point I need to loosen my grip....but how do I tell that to my heart? My little boy is growing into a man. Somehow, someway, if only for a moment I want to press the pause sit and hold my son. I no longer get hugs or kisses when I drop him off or pick him up. Mommy-love is now reserved for the secrets of home-behind closed doors and away from the world of "growing up". It's no longer cool to love your mom....and it breaks my heart. Did you know that a mother's heart really, truly aches....for moments with her children, for pains that they experience, when the hugs and kisses disappear, and for the inevitable time when we have to let go.


KristinMarieCA said...

I can only imagine how it must feel - bittersweet, knowing your son is growing up to be independent and kindhearted, but missing the way you were always needed to get him through the day. He still needs you, just differently now. :) Lovely blog entry. Thank you for stopping by and saying hello earlier! Who knew they'd eventually do away with chalkboards?! lol


PaisleyJade said...

Yep - it is so hard! My oldest is 11 and everyday I realise that before long he will be all grown up! Just feels like yesterday that I too held him in my arms. Just have to keep reminding myself that parenthood is all about helping to grow healthy adults - and you are doing an awesome job!!

sara said...

Oh it is so very hard! I LOVE this post. We have several posts that are so very similar. I believe my post, similar to this, is Ready or not here it comes. Although my , how do I protect him from this? is close. It's very strange to feel so proud of them and so sad at the same time, isn't it? We just love them so darn much!