However, the most storied tale that my mother loves to share, her "crowning moment", the piece de resistance that would leave her blog readers in stitches if she indeed had a blog....is the coo de gra of birthing stories...my birthing story. People, I'm unique; from the word "go" I've forged my own path....or so I have been told numerous, numerous times. And if my loving, story telling mama had a blog....well, this would be her first anecdote of humor!
Springtime! It's filled with newness, freshness, flowers, sunshine...and in South Dakota, blizzards. Nary a spring has been spared. Blizzards squelch our springtime joy. Such was the case some odd years (you don't need to know the exact number!) ago in a small town on a quiet farm. Daddy Farmer was in the tractor clearing out the feed lot and paths around the farm from the recent blizzard preparing the farm for his chores in the morning. Mama Farmer was inside the quaint little farmhouse tending to the oldest child, a bossy 2 year old girl (OK....I added that part. My mom never said that!)
Mama Farmer started to feel a familiar discomfort even though Baby Farmer wasn't due for another 3 weeks. An uneasy feeling caused her to call her doctor for advice...they were 60 miles from the hospital, and the spring storm left her more than a little nervous. Dr. I've-Done-This-Before advised Mama Farmer that she was overreacting, probably stressing herself for no reason, and to have a VODKA AND ORANGE JUICE to calm her nerves! Leary but trusting the Dr, Mama Farmer prepared herself a nice relaxing drink of hard liquor...but not before she advised Daddy Farmer on the CB radio that she may or may not be in labor. Again, her worries were dismissed.
With one vodka and orange juice down the hatch, the uneasy feelings actually seemed to become a little more intense. Mama Farmer once again telephoned Dr I've-Done-This-Before with information regarding what she believed were timely and consistent contractions. Again, her concerns were dismissed, and another vodka and orange juice was prescribed to ease her tension. Not being one to argue or confront, Mama Farmer downed another drink...which successfully relaxed her....to the point that labor was moving along very nicely!
From her position on the floor, Mama Farmer used the CB radio to once again inform Daddy Farmer to get his farmer posterior into the house to take her to the hospital. Baby Farmer was most assuredly going to make an appearance...and soon! Still reluctant and without hurry, Daddy Farmer proceeded to put his tractor away, lock up the shed, and head to the farm house...where he realized that indeed his wife was correct and hurry and panic quickly set in. Bossy-2-Year-Old Farmer had to be dropped off at the neighbor's farm, and then Daddy and Mama Farmer proceeded toward the hospital....60 miles away.
At this point, Daddy Farmer is speeding while on the CB radio with the hospital trying to get an ambulance dispatched to intercept this special delivery. Neighbor Farmer is also on the phone with the hospital trying to give them directions to Speed-Racer Farmer. And Mama Farmer is declaring her need to "push"! I'm sure "hold it", "wait until we get there", and "I'm hurrying" were all declared...rather yelled....during this stressful family outing.
Now Baby Farmer is starting to become quite defiant as Mama Farmer tries to hold her in while Daddy Farmer speeds uncontrollably (while talking on the CB radio....and you thought talking and driving was a new problem!!) when.....a tire goes flat! I've stated before that I have terrible luck...this is merely more proof to my statement. No time to change a tire, Farmer Family continues. However, ambulance and police escort assume Daddy Farmer will be taking a different road and can't seem to locate the speeding, flat-tired car with birthing mother and panicked father!
Emergency stop is demanded from the backseat as Mama Farmer declares that "the baby is coming"! Daddy Farmer pulls over......in the parking lot of a liquor store. Daddy Farmer declares the emergency to Liquor store worker who telephones police and ambulance service...then runs frantically to haphazardly parked car with paper towels in tow...to help the cause, naturally! Mama Farmer is panicking...and demanding that Daddy Farmer block Liquor Store Worker's view. I can only imagine the panic and horror poor Daddy Farmer is feeling as Baby Farmer makes an appearance. Mama Farmer reaches down (this is my mom's FAVORITE part....she cries every time) and Baby Farmer wraps her tiny hand around Mama's finger.
Daddy Farmer and Liquor Store Worker wrap Baby Farmer in paper towels and shove her (actually they didn't know I was a girl yet...thanks for caring mom and dad!!) under Mama Farmer's coat. Rescue workers have STILL not found Farmer Family-in-need so they climb back in the car and continue toward the hospital. Panicked, Farmer Parents realize Baby Farmer hasn't made any noises yet. They pull baby out of warm paper-towel-and-coat blanket. Each hold a leg of precious newborn baby as they speed through the snow covered city. Daddy Farmer insists they need to hear the baby cry as Mama Farmer pats naked Baby Farmer's butt...struggling to pat very hard. Apparently, Baby Farmer gets tired being held upside down in the cold, baby's face gets really red, and she starts to scream (my mom says I didn't stop screaming for 2 years and that my temper was evident from birth....whatever).
Eventually, speeding, flat-tired, Farmer Car was discovered and Mama Farmer and Baby Farmer were given an ambulance chauffeured ride to the hospital. Daddy Farmer, however, was quite traumatized and ventured back to the Liquor Store...where he and Liquor Store worker started drinking hard liquor off the shelf!
Long story short....it was quite an exciting night...and next couple days since Mama and Daddy Farmer had to fight the state to get Baby Farmer's birthday correct on the birth certificate. Baby was born before midnight at the liquor store but didn't arrive to the hospital until after midnight. So...not only was I defiant, strong-willed, hot-tempered, high maintenance...but I was also SUPER expensive. Mama and Papa Farmer had to pay for ambulance ride, ER room and ER Doctor, Delivery Room and Delivery Doctor, ICU to monitor Baby Farmer who was born under intense circumstances and outside sterilized, warm hospital, and hospital/recovery stay...oh, and correction of birth certificate. WHEW!!
Needless to say....I like to leave people with a memorable experience!! And THIS would be the story my mama shared with vigor and zest if she had a blog!
I wrote this post as part of Mama Kat's writer's workshop. I chose prompt:
2) "If my mom were a blogger"
2) "If my mom were a blogger"
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