Sunday, April 10, 2011

Liar, Liar. Pants On Fire

I've perfected the art; the art of lying...of pretending...of saying the right things at the right time with a convincing smile to make others believe. They believe that "I'm ok"; they believe that "I've got it under control"; they believe that "We are all fine". I sell my story very, very well...and almost everyone buys into what I'm selling. It's such an easier "truth"...for them and for me. Nobody really wants to hear my woes, my trepidations, my scary emotions that I hide behind a comforting smile, strong shoulders and a clenched jaw.

But the truth is...I'm barely functioning, barely getting by, barely holding it all together. I cry at the drop of a hat...during the playing of the National Anthem, at church, at an out-of-the-blue hug from a friend, at baseball parent meetings. It's ridiculous, really. But, nonetheless, it is what it is...and I can't seem to change that.  I feel as if I'm carrying around a quiet heavy burden that I just can't seem to shake...and every day it gets heavier.

My heart feels if I have to protect it. I dread leaving the house for fear that someone will want to talk to me. I avoid eye contact because tears constantly threaten to escape. And I keep all of my big questions, fears, and looming conversations hidden. I don't want to burden my husband, family, or one can honestly help me with this path anyway. This burden is mine to bear.

Every day is one day closer. Some days I struggle to breathe; most nights I struggle to sleep; daily my thoughts are out of my control. I don't know how I'm going to say goodbye to my husband...I don't know how I'm going to help my kids say goodbye. I have no idea how I'm going to juggle everything. I've been so focused and concerned about the health and stability of my kids in this process...that I've neglected my own thoughts and emotions. And now they are relentless in their determination to be heard. I'm sure that a month or two after "the goodbye" we will find our own new normal. But how do I cope in the interim? How do I convince my head and heart that "it is ok"?

So I smile; I say "We are all fine", "We don't need any help", "I've got it under control", and "I'm ok". If I say it out loud enough my heart will surely be convinced...and my head will most assuredly follow. I'll tell my husband, "I'll be fine", " Don't worry about me", "Everything is ok" with a convincing determined voice. I will smile and laugh when things go wrong.

But in the quiet of the night, when all the kids are safe in bed, and I sit in the loneliness of our empty house........I struggle to be a convincing liar.


Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

I understand the "I'm okay" thing. We don't want to burden others with our pain. It's ours to bear. And at the same time, I don't want to deal with them falling all over me with "i'm so sorry. is there anything I can do?" I just want to crawl in a hole & be left alone.

Not that my husband has ever deployed but we've had our share of disappointments. Times when I didn't want the world to see me. Times when I wanted to be in a place where no one knew me and no one dared talk to the woman who was crying.

I am sorry. Keep writing about it. You will probably feel better.

Amy said...

I get this and I don't. My time away from my husband was mostly "voluntary" and while his job is a little more on the dangerous side (erecting steel buildings, way up in the air on beams) no one is actively trying to hurt him. So I have less fears and worry. But I get the struggle to keep up the "every thing is fine" act, when all you want to do is say "I am lost without my other half, I didn't get married just to be apart".

I hope my comparing my situation to yours doesn't offend you. I really don't mean to make it seem like my situation is worse then yours because I know it isn't the same at all. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and it's normal, and especially that it's OK to feel this way.

I hope it gets easier but I know for me it really didn't, so I guess what I hope is that me and you and anyone else going through something similar just get stronger to make up for it.

Mommy Nani Booboo said...

As mothers and wives we all at some point try to shield our families from the severity of our hurts and worries.
You are like a mighty oak... you may lose a branch or two, or sway in the wind... but you wont fall.
What a very difficult situation you are facing.
We will be here to listen.
*cyber hugs*

Mothers' Hideaway said...

***HUG*** I'm so sorry sweetie!

KLZ said...

It's ok to be sad and be afraid. Even when we're doing our best to cope, those emotions creep in and they're ok. You're doing great.

Slidecutter said...

If we didn't feel emotions like this, we wouldn't be human; trust me, you aren't alone as you feel.

Yes, it's easy for each of us to leave a comment and then get on with our lives; it's not like we can just run over and hang-out for a while to make you feel better...all up close and personal. But, hey, we are know my virtual door is always open for you!

When I'm up, in that quiet of the night, I'll keep a light on for you...

Love & Hugs,

Liz said...

No one expects you to hold it together; this isn't an easy thing. Your emotions and worries are to be expected, plus, you are only human. Cry if you need to cry and lean on others who are offering support. Try to take things day by day. :)

Rachel said...

Reading this is like hearing my own thoughts.Thinking of you and your family.

Shell said...

Oh girl- but you don't have to pretend to be okay. You can admit that this sucks and that you need help. Cry it out.


Ms. Blasé said...

Oh, I can so relate to not wanting to burden others with my truth, but releasing it, telling it, and shouting it from the roof tops is so freeing. Also, in the process of emotionally liberating yourself, you will inevitably encounter someone who is going through similar situations or can identify with your circumstances on some level.

Don't give up, girl. I'll continue praying for you.