I'm on a quest...a quest with seemingly insurmountable challenges. It is an endeavor that if conquered will leave me not only triumphant in my victory but also donning a desirable reward. Many have attempted this feat without fruition. Is it a gest worth attempting or is it merely doomed for failure? Do I dare to defy the laws that be and declare my determination to arise the victor?
What, pray tell, is this challenging expedition I have declared to conquer? It is the pursuit...for a great pair of jeans. A pair of jeans that are void of the peek-a-boo effect when I bend down to assist my child. This applies to both my lacey underwear and my smiling half-moon. Neither are meant for the viewing pleasure (or horror) of the masses. I prefer to keep my secrets a mystery...an enigma, if you will... and revealed only to whom I deem appropriate and deserving of such a "treasure".
This first criteria needs to be achieved and maintained without resorting to the dreaded and widely feared "mom jean" occurrence. The belly button does NOT go under the top band of the jean resulting in "the crotch that never ends". And, on the flip side, the constant pulling up of the jean...due to the vendetta gravity has against all women...because they are continuously in the south-bound lane is also an undesirable feature. The backside, however, should also not be overlooked. The "mom jean" leaves the false, and undesired, illusion of wide and flat. That's a description best left for a newly discovered land mass! Also, cinching in at the ankles can only occur on skinny jeans and jeggings. No other style of jean is allowed to attempt this feature.
Another important element which is sometimes neglected, as briefly mentioned above, is the butt region. Deception and illusion are completely acceptable when addressing this particular area. One must avoid the atomic-wedgie effect which can occur with an ill-fitting pair of jeans. But equally feared is the saggy-bottom effect which should be reserved only when referring to your little one's over-due diaper change. Strategically placed pockets...and possibly Lycra...are a must!
Last but certainly not least is the issue of cost. Since most of us do not have a sugar-daddy, money tree, or bottom-less bank account we cannot overlook the desire to find a great fitting pair of jeans without the requirement of selling a necessary organ or possible your first born child. I would also like to avoid the need for me to "walk the streets" in order to afford my jeans of choice.
I realize I have given several requirements. However, I believe I am up the challenge...with maybe a little assistance. Is there such a jean that exists or has delusions of grandeur skewed my judgment? Are they simply reserved for the likes of the chosen ones (aka celebrities) or can all moms have the chance to rock a great pair of jeans without the threat of financial ruin? Urban legend or not, I will face this challenge...and win! "Baby's got her blue jeans on" indeed!