Itsy Bitsy Spider

I enjoy taking my two youngest on small outings (when the weather is nice- I don't leave once it's freezing outside) during the day. Sometimes the confines of our house and fenced-in yard don't provide any of us with enough stimulation or social interaction. And the boys really seem to enjoy going to the store and looking at all the pretty stuff. My four year old insists we are there to "buy evrysing" (and part of me would certainly enjoy that), but truly we are there simply to window shop and get out of the house before one of the three of us loses it!

That is just what my little dudes and I were doing last spring on a sunny, starting-to-hint-at-getting-warm day. Mommy gets a coffee at the Starbucks....and the boys drive me insane asking for drinks until I just relent and give it to them to fight over...and we browse through all the different departments that fill our shiny, glittery, local Target. Don't the glistening ads, shiny price tags, and bright red "SALE" signs that are trademarked to Target just beckon your name? No!? Well, they sing sweet-nothings in my ear! And I must heed their sweet call by searching, touching, wishing, pondering, putting in my cart only to re-shelve moments later. Target truly is an evil place, filled with evil desires...and it admittedly takes all of my will power and fortitude not to "buy evrysing" as we walk through the store.

Sometimes resisting myself these indulgences is quite exhausting. So by the time we finally exit the store leaving my desired treasures on the racks and screaming to be rescued, I am more than a little "spent". And on this day, it seemed to have taxed my judgement and awareness more than anticipated. I buckled both little boys into their seats as I repeated to myself "Good job, C. You don't need that adorable cami. Those on-sale jeans aren't really your style anyway. And those ballet flats....totally last season!" I was so lost in my own self-meditation that I didn't really pay attention to the car-jacker that was waiting for me just inside the driver's side. Nonetheless, he was waiting...basking in the warmth of the sun beating through the windshield...anticipating his attack.

Still inside my own head, I was clueless to the assault that was imminent. I put the car in gear and started to leave my House of Worship...promising myself I would return later...somehow, some way. When ..... "AHHHHH!" The attack was underway...and I never saw it coming. Screaming, swerving, and battling ensued as I slammed on the brakes! My heart was beating rapidly, my breath was sharp and intense and panic had taken over. I dove out of the vehicle only to realize my boys were still trapped inside....so I had to rescue them.

With all the bravery and courage I could muster, I climbed back into the vehicle determined to...................kill the spider that was taunting my family. Without a plan at hand- and fear taking over my ability to think clearly- I tried to capture it in a tissue- well, 5 tissues (I don't want his ooze to touch me!). But he was too quick and scurried across the windshield away from my reach. Since I couldn't squish him (he kept going down between the windshield and the dashboard), I decided I would drive home and Raid his arachnid bootie!

The entire drive, that devil-spider would creep out of his hiding place and promenade across the windshield distracting me from the task at hand - driving. I have no idea how we made it down the interstate, through town, and parked haphazardly in our driveway. Throughout the trip home, I watched that spider swagger across the windshield and sometimes onto the dashboard where he would bask in the sun...and his victory. Sometimes I would try to grab him with a tissue - ok, wad of tissues- only to scream bloody murder, swerve (at 65 mph) down the road, and watch him scurry just out of my reach. Fate...or luck...or guardian angels must have guided our path home. We most assuredly should have crashed! But we arrived "safely" in our driveway....albeit emotionally scarred from the near-death experience.

Hell hath no furry......like a woman saving herself from a spider. I rescued my children, and then Raid-ed the heck out of the entire vehicle. There was a white cloud pluming out of my van when I was finished. I can only hope that the toxic fumes got him since I was never able to spray him directly. And let's hope it didn't lay little mutant baby spider eggs somewhere inside....to attack me and gain victory (and avenge their mother's death) at another time!